Life As It Is...

This past week of my life has been a whirlwind of heartache, happiness, and blessings in disguise. Those who know me well, know that I'm still in love with my ex, and the father of my son. Just shy of four months of us breaking up, my ex wanted to see other people, and as helpless as I feel I had to come to understand that we will never be together again. We've been broken up since March 2009 and to me it's still fresh, but to him it's old news. This past Tuesday was the turning point for myself as well as the relationship my ex and I had. As I was on my way to work, my ex and I got into a heated argument over everything that has been bottled up inside of us, I broke down walls and emotions that I kept inside of my heart for months, that was slowly eating me away. When I finally opened up to my ex about how I feel about us, and our break-up. The only thing that was said on his part, was that I need to get over it, and that we will never get back together. I felt as if we were breaking up all over again, and I have no one to blame but myself. I let this person, this somewhat of a man degrade me in a sense that I myself wouldn't be able to do to another human being. How can you do so much for a person and give them a beautiful baby treat you with nothing but with complete disrespect? Here I am crying and fighting for a person that will never love me or be the man I want to love.

As I sit here I have to think to myself is it worth putting myself through this over and over again? I love this man, he and our son is my future. It's in my natural instinct to "try" and keep our family together. All I can think about is my ex telling me how miserable we will be if we stay together, which automatically makes me think will that be true? Will we be that miserable? I honestly don't know, because I think I may be blinded by the image and thought of a family that I'm willing to live through the misery my ex talks so much about. Then again how can it be misery when I love him so much? I also think to myself that I don't think my ex can ever find another women that can love him the way I do, and put up with his crap the way I do. It seems like there will never be a good answer as to why my ex and I broke up. He can tell me every single reason why we aren't together, and I will continue to believe that it's not a good enough answer. I officially realize that I'm in denial, and that is what eats me away slowly.

I wish I can take myself back, I wish I can be the old me. Free spirited, happy and full of life. I feel as if life has taken it's hold of me, and I'm no longer in control. When you go through a break-up especially with a child, you go in survive mode. You do whatever it takes to protect your child from experiencing the hurt you are going through. You begin to tell yourself that everything is okay, and things will be fine and perfect at the end. Giving yourself that grain of salt, bit of hope, when in reality you know your hope is much larger than a grain of salt. You set yourself up for failure, and when life doesn't turn out the way you want it hurts as if you are experiencing it for the first time all over again.

With each passing day I'm still clueless as I was the day before. I still continue to bicker and fight with my ex. For what reason you may ask since we aren't together, the answer to that I can honestly tell you I don't know. I think I'm still in love with him, that every little thing and action he does towards me in a negative way I take personally and must question why he's acting that way or why is he doing that? When I know he can care less about how I feel. As I continue to grow into the role of single mother and dealing with the father of my son, I realize two things; One is to be the bigger person, continue to grow as parents with him and love him as the father of our son. Two, there is no point in trying to hurt my ex, he's over me, and doesn't care what I do or say. At the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. I must let him go, and move on with my life.

There is no cure for a heartache, but only time will heal my broken heart. I'll continue to let myself grieve in the way that I find most appropriate for myself. I will continue to be the best mommie out there to my little man, and start to focus on my life. The life I want for myself and my son. It is easier said than done, but I must let go, let go of the hurt, let go of the love and let go of my ex.

I'll continue to pray and ask God for help. Ask God for the strength, wisdom and love that is needed to deal with this aspect of my life. I'm lost. Someone once told me to pray about every situation and stop worrying about it. To cast your cares upon the Lord and he will take care of it. I think I'm too much of a control freak to let that happen, but I didn't say I wouldn't do it. I'll continue to pray and ask God for help. Life isn't always going to be what it seems or how you want it. Everyone has their own problems to a different degree, but we are never alone, God has always been there for us. We are too busy trying to fix our own problems instead of letting God take care of it for us. He is the only one that can see our future, and he is the only person that knows what's best for us, what we can handle, and what we need.

As I sit here tonight, my first step on to living a better life is to pray. Pray about everything, from problems to wishes. There isn't anything God can't do for us. He has the power to bless us with things, and just as easily take them away from us. My break-up with my ex is a blessing in disguise. Even though I can't see it, God knows it was in the best interest for the both of us. Knowing that one day I will find happiness and true love with someone who is going to be an amazing father figure in my son's life, and an amazing husband and lover to me. I have faith in God that I'm taken care of, and he will take care of me. When others shut me down, and rip me apart. God has continue to bless me through my journey of finding myself. To that I'm thankful, thankful for the beautiful, healthy and wonderful son I have, the amazing friends and the crazy family I live with.