The Idea Of Love and Family

Is this what a perfect family should look like?

I sat here starring at my screen for awhile, trying to gather my thoughts and feelings about my relationship with my ex. Till this day I still try to figure out the issues and what went wrong between us. It wasn't long after my ex and I met, we found out that we were expecting our son. We were shocked, but like any relationship that you're in, if you are intimate with that person, no matter how careful you are, there will always be that risk of getting pregnant. When I took that pregnancy test and it was a positive, I wasn't too worried. I thought I found a great man, that I one day wanted to marry, and wanted to be the father of my children. This child that I'm carrying was something him and I created, it was our own flesh and blood. Regardless of how his family or my family felt about this, we were going to go through with the pregnancy and have this baby.

The next nine months were spent trying to get to know each other, and see the good and the bad we each have in ourselves. I didn't expect him to be perfect or Mr. Wonderful, but I did expect him to love me the way I loved him. I understand that every relationship is going to have it's ups and downs but for some reason I thought our relationship could stand anything. We were different, we had a different kind of love, the love that you only saw in movies. Can you believe I honestly thought that? You would've thought I was on drugs the whole entire time we were dating to think such a thing. To be blessed with a love that is so great and wonderful. To love someone that was so wrong for you.

It didn't take long for my ex to start dating and talking to other girls after we broke up. I don't know if these girls were on the rebound or not, but I couldn't understand how someone can move so quick. You gave birth to their child, then all of a sudden get up and leave you, and here you are trying to figure out this whole thing called motherhood on your own. For awhile I cried at night, because I was so helpless and guilty that I failed as a mother, because daddy didn't want to stay around. As I look at my son everyday I have nothing but love for him. Although he's an exact image of his father, I some how am able to block out my ex and love our son for who he is. I promise myself that I will not raise my son to be the person his father became. What he did to me wasn't right, and it will never be okay with me. That is another reason why I keep my son in church with me, there will never be a better father figure in his life, besides God himself.

Just Mommie and Me!

After months and almost a year of us breaking up, my confidence slowly came back, as well as my independence. I realized that I didn't love myself enough to know that I shouldn't put up with anyone's crap. Not even my ex's. I should have known better, I was making excuses for him as to why I should love him. I was always playing the victim role, when I didn't realize that I put myself in that position. I allow for him to treat me the way he did, and I continued to love him. I had to ask myself why do I love him so much when he has done nothing but hurt me, put me down and ripped our family apart.

It then hit me that I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the idea of being in love and being a family with a man that I choose to have my son with. I come from a broken home and all I ever dreamed of, was to one day have a family of my own, with someone that I loved more than life. I loved John** so much that I looked passed all the signs, all the hurt I felt, because I wanted this, us, and our family to work so bad. It was a burning passion that kept on burning for my ex. That's all I dreamed about, is us being a family and raising our son together. It was an idea that I fell in LOVE with. I fell in love with the idea first, and then with my ex. I let someone walk all over me, and continue to let them walk all over me. Hoping that one day he's going to see this women, the mother of his child, and someone who loves him, loves me back. I wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror everyday and not feel an ounce of guilt for that crap he pulled when we were together, and leave me like he did. To move on so quick and sleep with half the city of the small suburb he calls home. I don't know if that's the truth, but any man who moves on so quickly and adds their ex girlfriends and only girls to their Facebook friends, not to mention he even talks to one of them, and I know this for fact because I heard it with my own two ears. How can you not expect he's sleeping around. Evidence is all there, and I don't really know who this man is anymore. Who I fell in love with, and who he became is two different people.

Taken when I was five months pregnant, with my ex.

Just because you cut your hair, give yourself a faux hawk, and buy new clothes. You will still be the crappy person that I now know for a fact. I don't know this phase you are going through, talking to random girls, and bring them around our son. You're almost 30 in a couple more years, and you live at home, you still act like a child, and I'm acting more of parent to our son than you are. Your mom won't always be there to make your bed and wash your clothes. I can only pray that you will snap out of this, or is this who you really become? You always had an infatuation with your bosses daughter, telling me she makes six figures at Progressive, who are you kidding? And if she does, hopefully she's smart enough to know that you are just like any other guy out there, with a baby mama. There will always be a problem between you and I, because you just don't get it, the idea of being a father, vs. the life you still want to live.

I've changed my life for this baby who I know one day I will provide a complete family for. A man will come in willing to love this child as if Ryan was his own, and you know what, I think this man will be a better father in his life than you. I can't be mad anymore, I can't be mad at you... Really, I can't, and for what? I choose to live my life for God, because after you, my life has been an uphill struggle to make it better for myself and my son. Everything that I'm blessed with a home for Ryan and I, a job, a car, food on the table and clothes on my son's back, is all through the grace of God. I'm a single mother doing it on her own, sure you pay child support, but you will never know how expensive it is to have a baby live with you, the time spent taking care of him. You have him a few days out of the week, but once you do it on your own, paying bills, cleaning, and laundry. Providing a stable life for your son, you'll never known. I look at you as a babysitter, your flexibility as a father hinders your social calendar, and you will not budge to change your plans, or the time of your dates/events going on, just so you can watch him for another hour, while I'm working.

I do have to admit though your ability as a father is amazing when you want to give it your all and put effort into it. You are selfish, and the only thing you care about is yourself, and the girl your talking to next. It's time to grow up John** and realize that you do have a child, and this little boy is going to see one day the type of person you are, and how you treat his mother. Let God be my witness that I will do everything and anything to protect my son from getting hurt the way you hurt me, and growing up to be the person his father is. Ryan will be a man and not a boy.

Ryan at five months old, is he a little ham?

As for starting a relationship, since you are so quick and desperate for someone to love you and to love, I advise you to watch it, it will only be a bigger problem for you and I. Until you can get your parenting skills together, and be the father your son deserves, there is no room for girls and sex. As I stand from the outside looking in, I only see the life you are living, the path you are heading down and the bridges you continue to burn with your child. There will always be time for a Halloween party, it will be okay if you are 15 minutes late to a wedding reception. Your son needs his father, and not the next person who can watch him so you can go out. Then again I know my relationship with my son, I know that my main focus is him. I can understand where my ex is coming from with the whole relationship point of view, you don't think I want someone to love and to be love too? More than anything I would like to be in a relationship, but I know it's not the right time for me to be in one. I have to keep my relationship with God in order first, before I let anyone in my life. Also to put myself first, I have to love myself enough to see clearly when people are not good for me, and to stop making excuses for other people. I have to clean my life up! Get rid of the trash and the haters.


I will continue to pray for you, for myself and our son. That one day our relationship will be at an understanding and a common ground point. I don't have hate for him, or will I ever. I fell in love with John** for a reason and I'm pretty sure the reason is valid, because I still love him, after everything he has done.

John** is not the name of my ex/son's father.